Top 5 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

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I love stories.  Whether I'm reading a book, watching a play or musical, or a TV show or movie.  But sometimes, those stories don't turn out the way you want them to, and for one reason or another end up being total wastes of time.

This is a list of those movies- the ones I wish I'd never seen, the wasted hours of my life I will never get back.  I give you....

THE

WORST MOVIES I'VE EVER SEEN

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(CAUTION:  Spoilers Abound!)

LOST IN AUSTEN

This movie is actually a condensation of a TV miniseries.  Lost in Austen tells the story of Amanda Price, a woman living in New York who has always loved the works of Jane Austen.  She often reads them to escape her own very unromantic life.  

One night, after rejecting the proposal of her drunkard boyfriend, Amanda discovers a secret passage in her bathroom that leads into the world of Pride and Prejudice, her favorite book of all.  To her surprise, Lizzie Bennet comes through the passage, thrilled to have finally managed to get through the door.  She explains to Amanda that she has always wondered what lay  behind the secret door in her attic, and she never dreamed that there was a whole other world locked inside.  

Amanda unintentionally changes places with Lizzie when she goes to explore her world.  Lizzie is only too happy to stay in modern-day New York, as she enjoys the freedom there.  So Amanda is left to take Lizzie's role in the book, starting on the first morning the Bennets find out that Mr. Bingley has moved into Netherfield.  

The movie itself started on an interesting concept, but as I watched it, it was like seeing a completely genre-insensitive brat butcher one of my favorite stories.  Amanda was scandalously anachronistic, and made no attempt to fit into her new world.  Her presence completely destroyed the events of the original book, and ruined many characters.  It made the whole story seem dirty, due to the modern slurrs she brought with her.  Thankfully, we had the good sense to stop watching before the movie was through.  It was too much bad taste for us to handle.   

MILL ON THE FLOSS

Mill on the Floss claims to be about a young woman, the daughter of a distinguished miller in a relatively small town, who falls in love with a lawyer's son whose family has long feuded with her own.  But it's really about a young girl who repeatedly sacrifices everything she ever wanted for the sake of her selfish, dominating, and controlling brother who does nothing but wound her emotionally and deny her any pleasure in life.  

Maggie Tulliver always had a very close relationship with her brother, Tom.  But from the beginning of the movie it was shown that his love for her was conditional.  If she makes a mistake that angers him, he tells her he hates her and never wants to see her again, until she comes and apologizes and makes him laugh, at which point they're best friends once again.

This continues throughout her whole life.  Poor Maggie had so many dreams, and one by one she gave them up for the sake of her brother.  The lawyer's son, who she's supposed to fall in love with, actually isn't her true love.  Yes, he's her first love, but it was mostly just a childhood crush.  When Maggie has grown, she actually falls in love with a different man (who's a jerk) and she gives him up too!  

The movie ends with Maggie having lost every friendship she ever had, and living alone in a cottage.  Out of nowhere, a flood comes and the waters rise so high that she actually has to use a rowboat to get out of her house.  Having safely escaped her cottage, she paddles down the street- er, canal- to rescue her brother from the mill.  Of course, now that she's coming to rescue him, he immediately forgives her for whatever he was angry about, and comes down to meet her.  However, as he attempts to use a rope to climb out of a window and into her boat, the knot comes loose and he plummets into the water.  Becoming entangled in the rope, Tom begins to drown, so Maggie jumps in to help him.  Unfortunately, she is unable to pull him up, and instead chooses to drown with him.  The movie literally ends with their lifeless bodies floating in the water.  

Deus ex machina.  

The terrible kind.

THE JOURNEY

I don't have a cover for this one.  It's not a very well-known movie.  It came in a multi-pack of adventure DVD's.  

Anyway, The Journey tells the story of two young girls, a rich one and her servant.  The servant girl has always been a little jealous of the rich girl, who is a bit spoiled.  The servant girl has apparently been raised by the cook, a horrible witch (the literal kind) with a vendetta against the master of the house.  One day, the witch arranges for the rich man's death by causing a snake to make his horse throw him off.  As the father lies dying, he tells his spoiled young daughter that she is the heir to his fortune and that when he is dead she must take the servant girl and find it in the woods.  He gives her a map to the treasure.  

Meanwhile, the witch, having overheard the rich man's speech, hypnotizes the servant girl into becoming her slave.  She convinces the entranced servant that she actually hates Rich Girl, and that as soon as they are in the woods, she is to attack Rich Girl, take her clothes and the map, and find the treasure herself.  Then she is to bring the riches back to her mistress, the witch.  

After this, the movie grows terribly disjointed.  Hypnotized Servant Girl follows through with the witch's instructions, leaving Rich Girl thoroughly humbled.  Rich Girl joins up with a seemingly friendly photographer and manages to track down Servant Girl and breaks the spell.  The girls then become friends and realize that Mr. Photographer is actually a criminal who has almost nothing to do with the story, except that he wants the treasure too.  Then they find out that years ago, Rich-Dad-Who's-Dead-Now used to be kind of a jerk.  When he acquired the gold, he was told by some magic-dude that if he didn't marry the first woman he saw after getting the gold, then she would become a witch who would hate him for the rest of her life, through no fault of her own.    That woman is the same witch who raised Servant Girl.  I think she's also behind the death of Rich Girl's mother, but I can't remember.  

Anyway, after an overly long and confusing plot, the girls make it to the cave where the treasure is hidden, where they find it isn't actually gold at all, but a cradle with a letter explaining that they are really sisters, and that the witch stole Servant Girl when she was just a baby.  As soon as they find the cradle, the witch has some kind of a flaming-magic-attack and dies.  The two girls become best of friends and decide that what they found is indeed the best treasure of all.  

The movie's affects were terrible and...  I hate to criticize actors, but the acting was really bad.  The whole movie was painful to watch.

IVAN THE INCREDIBLE

This film originated in Denmark.  As with most foreign films (except the ones in England) it is a bit odd.  

Ivan is a sensitive young boy who is socially awkward and physically weak.  Behind closed doors, he is actually fun and creative, but he is dyslexic and thus does poorly in school.  He is teased mercilessly by the children at school, and his miserable father cruel to him and always trying to get him to be "more of a man".  He routinely humiliates Ivan in front of the whole town, and blames his own son for his misfortunes in life.  An example of how he treats Ivan:  the dad works as a personal trainer, and in order to prove to the town that he can make people really strong, he makes Ivan climb a high tree, despite the fact that the poor boy is terrified of heights.    Ivan gets pretty high in the tree before he loses it and begs to come down.  The father is embarrassed, and takes it out on the kid by yelling at him and calling him useless.

Sooner or later in the movie, Ivan finds a magic potion that makes him "incredible" for the day.

Once Ivan takes the potion, he becomes smart and super strong.   Unfortunately, he also becomes a jerk, and treats everyone just like they treated him.  Even the one girl who was nice to him isn't exempt.  He becomes rude and arrogant.  Of course, the moral ends up being that he is unsatisfied with the life of a jerk, and realizes that he likes being himself much more.  So he goes back to being Ivan the Less-than-Impressive, and everyone else goes back to treating him like junk.  Except for that one girl, who liked him as he was in the first place.  

The premise of this movie sounded like it might be nice, but it just lingered too long on the cruelty.  It was depressing.  There were no good spots or redeeming moments.  My six younger siblings were watching with me, and about halfway through, the magic potion still hadn't showed up.  After looking up the plot and finding that it never got any better, we shut it off.  After that, we jokingly suggested that when one of us were bad, we would have to watch Ivan the Incredible as punishment!


THE MASTER OF DISGUISE

Young Pistachio Disguisey has always been an odd boy.  Ever since he was a little kid, he loved dressing up in costumes and acting a different part.
One day, his father is kidnapped by an evil mastermind, and Pistachio discovers that his family is part of a long line of special magicians whose main skill was the art of disguise.  His father and grandfather were both masters, and now his grandfather informs him that if Pistachio wants to rescue his father, he must train to become a Master of Disguise.

The movie's summary sounded great, like a fun children's adventure.  However, when my family and I started watching it, we found it to be dumb beyond belief.  There is no describing how horrible it was.  It was corny, and awkward, and so ridiculous it hurt.
Now, before I complain too much, let me say this:  it did have some genuinely funny moments.  I'm not above quoting one or two of the funny lines, or looking back on a funny scene or two.  However, the majority of the movie was so cheesy I couldn't stand it.
The "Turtle" scene... oh, good heavens, the "Turtle" scene.  Look it up on You Tube some time, see if you can find it.  It's so bad, it's worth a watch.
I will say that the younger kids loved it.  It was mostly anyone above the age of 8 that was just too weirded out. One thing I thought was rather inappropriate was the main character's odd goal of marrying a girl with a big rear end.  It comes up more often than necessary, and is actually one of his weaknesses when fighting the bad guys (or girls, I should say).  

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As you can see, I have not numbered these, as each of these movies was equally horrible in my eyes.  Have you seen any of these movies?  Did you find them as tedious and terrible as I did?  What are some of the worst movies you've ever seen?  Let me know in the comments below- I'd love to gripe about them with you!  ;D

-Rayne Speryll

P.S. - This is my ninety-first post on this blog, and on my one-hundredth post, I intend to make a big announcement.  So stay-tuned for Post 100!